Sunday marks the end of the 4th week of my triathlon training. I haven't really mentioned it because, quite honestly, it scares the crap out of me and because of that - I'm training but I have yet to sign up for the race. Maybe part of me is hoping it fills up so I don't have to actually take the step and maybe part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop but the other part of me checks the race website daily to see how long I can go before I have to sign up because I want to do this...what can I say, I'm a complex person. Yes, I've done a triathlon before but this is me coming off of a year of sporadically working out. The last time, I had been consistently working out for months before even thinking about taking on this challenge.
I'm scared I can't do this. I'm scared I'm going to fail. I'm scared I will be disguting in my swimsuit - last time I felt like my legs were strong and no matter what, that's what I saw when I looked in the mirror. Now? Not so much. I'm afraid I'll be slower than I was last time. I'm afraid of the new course since it's starting from a new location. Yes, the other one had a massive hill to climb but the new course has rolling hills - lots of them.
What has happened to me? What happened to the girl that could take on anything and was ready for anything that came her way? I miss that person, but I know I'm slowly getting that person back. One thing I've struggled with and had to come to terms with is: I'm not where I used to be and that's a really hard thing to accept...it's like now that I'm "back on the wagon" so to speak, I feel like I should be kicking butt and taking names. There are days where I feel like that and then there are days where my legs feel like stumps which take every ounce of energy I have to simply take a step. Some days it's really hard for me to wrap my head around everything and when that happens I just have to keep telling myself to keep going - keep moving forward. DON'T go back. I did that long enough. Never again. Never.
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